I’ve always said that when something presents itself repeatedly in a short span of time, it’s not to be ignored.  In the past week, three amazing women I know have been the target of cyber attacks.  It used to be that we were mostly concerned with how to protect our children from these techno-bullies but what about protecting yourself?

This is a topic that we often make light of (when it happens to an adult) or merely offer advice like “delete, unfollow, block” but after hearing how these vicious attacks affected my friends and colleagues I no longer think that is enough!

The thing is, while we are “adult” enough to ignore the ridiculous and unbelievable tactics of a bully, we are still vulnerable human beings with feelings and emotions.  And no matter what your age constant name calling, making venomous comments about your image, your values, your family and your lifestyle can take a toll on even those with the toughest of skins.

I suppose we could argue that being under scrutiny is the price one pays for putting their face, their point of view, their brand out there and that it comes with the territory but does that make being attacked ok?

Once, I overheard a conversation about a Hollywood celebrity who had just been raked over the coals publicly and what was being said about her was pretty scathing.  The argument being made was that it’s her own fault for being a celebrity and in the spotlight.  She should expect to be scrutinized, they said, and have lies (or truths) about her shared publicly.  It’s the price she pays for being a celebrity and she needs to deal with it.

Personally, I believe this line of thinking is exclusionary and shows little compassion.  As an entrepreneur you may not have the intention of being a celebrity or a household name but your brand could reach celebrity status within your chosen market or circle. I know of far too many talented, beautiful, visionary people that play under the radar to avoid this kind of harshness.

It’s a shame really because it’s those very people that have the most to offer yet you and I may never benefit from their gifts.

So, after thinking about the bullying experiences of my friends I began jotting down notes to share with the gals I’m talking about.  Thoughts, ideas and my own personal experiences with cyber bullies made up my list and what was intended as a few bullet points turned into well…something much more.

It occurred to me you might benefit from having this too so I’m sharing my Cyber Rules of Engagement list with you today.

Let me say that I don’t know the answer to this issue and what I share I share from one internet enthusiast to another.  Take what I propose, implement what works for you and suggest something different.  I’ve no doubt you’ve thought about this issue too and we could all benefit from one anothers wisdom so please leave your comments, experiences, ideas and thoughts below.

Cyber Rules of Engagement

1. Prepare

If you’re going into business for yourself online, wishing to share your hobby with others via YouTube or other online streaming services or in any way are making yourself publicly visible online there are some things you need to know.

No matter how passionate you are about your message.  No matter how many facts and figures you’ve researched about your topic.  No matter how physically beautiful you are, people will tear you down.  They’ll tear down what you love, who you love, what you stand for and what you look like.

Childish as that is it is a truth you must be prepared for.  There are people on the internet that are weak, ill, and in terrible pain and your success, beauty and passion are a reminder of what they believe they are not.

They are wrong.  Wrong to tear you down and tear you apart.  And, wrong to believe they themselves can’t be and do better.

Prepare yourself.

Because as awful as being the target of a vicious attack is there are always way more people who appreciate you, who are inspired by you and who look forward to your newsletters, your tweets and your videos.  They may not always tell you and it will be tough to keep moving forward when you don’t know just how appreciated you are but trust me, you are!

Prepare yourself by also remembering to always be authentically you (never a replica of someone else…bullies love nothing more than to point out sheep-like behavior).  Don’t be afraid to make mistakes in public – we all do and the fact that you share it with people makes you relatable and real.  Share your passions.  Talk about your weekend.  Let people into your life…they’ll grow to love the real you.

But also balance this with discernment.  Be careful who you give your private email to or your cell phone (cyber bullies are known to slither outside of the confines of the internet and are just as happy to press a phone keypad as they are a computer keyboard).  If you can, rent a PO or mailbox and refrain from using your home address on the internet.  I know women who have had online stalkers wind up at their front door!  I’m not saying this to frighten you but merely to encourage you to prepare.

There will always be a terrible few but know that you don’t need their bad behavior to tear you away from the grateful many.

2. Neutralize

Sometimes, no matter what you do to prepare you may find yourself being attacked.  The first time it happens, no matter how tough skinned you are, it’s going to shock you.  It may come in the form of a response to a newsletter you send, a blog post, an email or maybe something you hear about on a gossip site or other people bashing forum (yeah, they’re out there).

Your first response may be to wonder who they are, why they’re doing this to you, what you did to deserve this, did you make some kind of mistake?  The questions will flood your mind and it can and will make your head spin.

When I was 12, I was the target of a 6-person girl gang attack.  The way I got myself out of that situation is the same way I managed my first (and second and third, and fourth…) cyber assault.

Here’s what I did and I hope it helps you:

-Keep a clear head:  If you allow your head to spin with pity, fear, disbelief, etc. you’ll lessen your chance of handling your attack intelligently and with grace.  If you scour the internet looking for other comments being made about you or backtracking to find out when the person subscribed to your list, begin reading through your own posts or viewing your own videos to find proof you did something wrong you’re muddying your waters. Take a deep breath, grab a soothing cup of tea and read on…

-Choose your words carefully: You’ll be tempted to fight fire with fire.  You say you won’t but believe me, when someone makes a hateful comment towards someone or something you love (one of my friends can take all the personal insult you can sling but she fell apart when a cyber bully focused their attack on her little boy who made a cameo appearance in her video) you will want to fight back.  Coming out swinging only keeps the fire burning.  If you must reply, choose words that empower you and do not give your attacker any more fuel.  A cyber bully’s drug of choice is name-calling and word slinging so choose your response carefully if you decide to engage.

-Don’t take ANY of it personally:  Everyone will tell you this.  They’ll say things like “let it go, it’s not worth the trouble,” “just block or unsubscribe,” “who cares what they think,” “grow a tougher skin,” and the list of advice will go on and on.  They are right.  However, you’ll still wonder why it’s happening to you.  You’ll take it personally but you shouldn’t.  See, the thing is, while you are the one being attacked in a very personal way it’s not about you.

I know that’s hard to believe when your name is being slung through the mud by someone you once knew or by a complete stranger but you must remember you are merely a target like the ones on a shooting range.  A person in pain, who lacks esteem, who feels used betrayed or who believes anyone in the public eye is out to screw them will look for a target to take their frustrations out on.  And unfortunately that target may be you.  So even though it’s your name, your lifestyle, your habits they are attacking trust that they’re probably attacking someone else too.

-Let go of fear, resentment and anger: Easier said than done, I know especially if someone hits that arrow a little too close to the heart.  It’s terrifying to think someone stalking or bullying you online can show up at your doorstep.  It’s hard not to be resentful when you feel you give so much to your online community only to have someone question your integrity, blast lies about you or take what you’ve said or written out of context.  Anyone would be ticked off.  But, you will need to dig very deep and let go of it all.  You’ll need to find a way to be compassionate knowing you are dealing with a person that is hurting.  Hurting people hurt people.

I realize this is a personal choice.  You may choose vengeance and it’s your right to do so.  But I encourage you to choose compassion.  Not just for your assailant but more importantly, for your self.

3. Prevent

Within our own community of business owners, channel gurus and experts of all kinds we do a lot of scrutinizing of one another.  And while we’re certainly entitled to our opinion of how others coach, teach, present or mentor we tread on delicate waters when we begin to write about those opinions on blogs, tweets, etc. because it is almost always subjective.  Now you may think it’s your right to publicly share your disappointment about someone and spew a little public venom but guess what, cyber bullies believe they have the right to do the same.  The lines are easily blurred…

My point is that to support one another and continue to create communities we must take responsibility for our own part in the circle of cyber poison.  While you may never dream of attacking family members, stalking or making death threats towards someone whose work you’re unhappy with if your comments (in whatever form you choose to deliver it in) are not constructive and do not serve to give more life and love to another then I urge you to do what I call a Take Two.  Take two seconds to read your words carefully before pressing that send, post or submit button.  It is much easier to reconsider and re-write than it is to take back what will become part of the internet archives.

Change can only happen if we are willing to be part of the solution and not the problem. We know better and must therefore be willing to do better.

Cyber bullying by the young and old towards the young and old is a serious matter.  As a village, we have the opportunity to put a damper on what could potentially escalate into cyber wildfire.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject.  Please share your comments below and let’s have a conversation

xoLiz

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NOTE 1: Due to excessive spam, only comments with an individuals name (versus company name) will be accepted.

NOTE 2: Your point of view is always welcome even if it is contrary to the thoughts shared on this post.  However, only compassionate criticism and feedback will be accepted.  Name calling, insults and callous behavior will not.

NOTE 3: If notes 1 and 2 don’t sit right with you this is probably not the playground for you.  My blog is like my home.  If you can’t play nice here, you can’t play at all.

No part of this article or any articles on this blog can be used without permission. ©Copyright Liz Pabon, 2010